Female masculinity

I have never had a problem with the way I look, what I wore, and how I act. Growing up, I was tomboy and I loved it..I could say being a tomboy got me to where I am to day today, and that is here In America going to collage and playing division one Soccer. I loved wearing pants, shorts, and T-shirts with nice tennis shoes except for youth group or church on Sundays where I like wearing nice dresses and skirts). used to be tougher at sports than most of any of my male cousins (whether it was track and field, cricket, football/soccer, etc.), and I was often teased about it. Back then I could careless of what people thought or said.

In Jamaica, men do not like to see girls with a lot of muscle; at least that is what my observation was due to snide comments they would make sometimes. With this said, I would cheat on my sport by not putting in enough effort in training/workouts just so I would not gain any muscle. I still did well is sports, but I knew I could have even better. I hated having muscles so much that I sometimes got self conscious when wearing a tank top or anything sleeveless, because they showed my arms off.

Before I went to collage, one of things I constantly heard about was the intense workouts and lifting we would have to do, especially being a division one athlete competing. I got so worried because I had never lifted any weights before, not even in high school or playing for clubs. Every morning, before lifting, I would check my muscles in the mirror, and checked them again after to see if they had gotten bigger. I thought they did at times, so I complained a lot, if we had to do 10 reps I would do 7 or 8 sometimes, and I would also put less effort in speed training. The trainer also found out I was good at pull ups and wanted me to do more, but sometimes I would cheat the amount. While doing all this however, My teammates on the other hand was always saying how they wish they had my toned arms, and I thought they were crazy..I didnt like changing in the locker room because they always commented on my "ripped" arms (that's what they always say).

Its sad to say that because of the ways in which the media  and our stereotypical norms have constructed the way a man and a woman ought to physically look, act, and dress, people  like myself who are athletes (and others as well) and who might convey some masculine qualities are criticized, talked about, and made out to be someone we are not.

Because female masculinity is frowned upon and rejected by society, I told myself I will never go back to the weight room to work out again, because I am afraid of looking masculine.